i'm letting you go

After writing my previous blog, I got a call from him. He was crying and was depressed. He said after our breakup he cannot concentrate and lost interest in things. He said he doesn't have any inspiration anymore. I wanted to ask him if I was his inspiration but just kept it to myself. I was afraid of hearing that I was not. I tried to calm him down by saying that all I wanted was for him to be happy, that I'm willing to wait as long as he wanted me to. I knew this was a wrong move, but that's what I felt. I'm a masochist. I wanted to be there for him.

After a couple of days, I didn't hear from him. He only passed by my place this morning to get the money I owe him. I wanted to talk to him but he brushed me off. He said a cab was waiting downstairs. I let him leave. I called him after a couple of minutes asking him if he still had plans of talking about us. He said I don't know. I was speechless. He's still unsure if he wanted me back. Maybe he really didn't want me back, but I wanted him to tell me so I could move on.

We tried talking but couldn't understand each other clearly due to signal problems. Then after a couple of seconds, I got a message from him saying that he's going to sleep. That we'll talk later. That was my last straw. If I meant much to him, he would've tried to call me or at least exert effort to talk to me, but he didn't. It was the same selfish person.

I had to stop doing this to myself. I am afraid of hurting him but I guess telling him that I can't wait for him wouldn't. He treats me as if he really didn't care. After reading his message, I sent him a message asking him to delete my number. I told him I can't see or hear from him. I cannot be like his other ex-partners. I have to heal. I have given him my heart and now I have to get it back. I know that what I did could be the end of everything. But I had to make him realize my worth and I owe it to myself.