I just have to do this

I don't know if you are interested in reading this, but I'm doing this anyway. I just wanted to get things out of my chest... I wanted to tell you everything, but when I am in front of you, I always get emotional, and aside from that, I haven't told you this before, but I'm afraid of making you mad. In every argument we have, I just shut up because I'm afraid that we'll get so mad at each other and you might just leave me. Now I know that it is bound to happen. You leaving me is the most painful thing I've ever felt. Even though I am still hurting now, I know that I have to let go of you. What I meant about this is not only about what we have because I know that we don't have each other anymore, but also letting go of the idea that you might come to your senses and come back to me.

We've already hurt each other too much. I've said words that I didn't mean to say. But trust me, this letter is carefully thought of, though honestly I'm scared of the outcome, I have to do this for myself. I know that you're tired of drama, but I need it to do this, I just have to.

Four years ago, I wrote a letter to you through my other blog. This was the time when you were detained.

I want to tell you these things… I want you to know what I feel and remind you of what I always tell you. I felt something the first time I saw you, something that no words can explain. I thought it would just fade away, but it didn’t. When we ate breakfast that morning, you just don’t know how happy I am to spend time with you; I was wearing a mask, hiding my smile for you not to notice how much I like you. And those times that we spent together during the storm, was one of the best days of my life. Loving you was one of the best things that happened to me. I learned things that I’ve been wanting to know for the longest time, and that’s because of you. I found a part of myself through you. Lastly, I always tell you this, and I just want to say it again, I love you, I really do. And wherever this road takes us, I just want you to know that I will wait for you. My love will always be here for you… I miss you.

Honestly, when we first talked at my mom's house, when I found out what you were doing for a living, I questioned myself if you were someone who I could be with. I even consulted my friends. I knew that it's gonna be tough. I didn't really want to do anything with you, but my heart was telling me otherwise. I followed my heart. The days and nights we spent together during the storm (Milenyo) were one of the best days of my life. I could still remember the first time you kissed me. We were in the hallway that time. I knew at that time that this would be the guy that would change me. I told myself that I would do everything to make this guy happy. I was willing to give you everything. And I did. Until now, I still feel the part of me that wants to wait for you. But I can't keep hurting myself.

We shared a lot of memories together. These are things that I treasure. I honestly hate you for forgetting them. I hated you for throwing away the memories I had with you, because for me, those are the most memorable ones. I hated you for forgetting my birthday last year, for forgetting our monthsaries, for wanting to spend time with your friends than stay at home with me, for lying to me, for cheating on me. But now, these are all memories. All I am holding on to right now are these memories, but I know I also have to let them go.

Remember when we went to Lago De Oro? We had a video, which I thought was not playing anymore, the day after you left, I tried playing it again, and for some weird reason, it did play. We were so happy then. One thing that made me smile was the part when Jepoy asked us if we think we're gonna last for 20 to 30 years. We immediately answered "No, we're gonna last forever." Until now, remembering those times make me smile. Despite all the pain, you don't know how happy I am that I was able to share a part of my life with you. And even if I am hurt right now, there is this huge part of me saying that I want you to be happy. You know how I was brought up by my mom, I actually think that she's your mom as well, because she treats you like a son. I remember her telling me not to be mad at you, because you are a good person, you are just lost. She told me that I am destined to help you find your way. And if you realizes that, you'll come back.

I'm hurt Topher, I am in so much pain right now, but if this would be the only way for me to move on and accept that you're gone, I do not have any choice but to take it. I still want you Topher, I really do, but everything that's happening right now is something that I have to overcome. I wanted to be friends with you, but I'm afraid that the time will come that you will talk to me about your new love. Just the thought of it brings me back to where I was when I found out about Jay. I am not mad at anyone anymore, I've learned to accept the fact that there are things that I cannot control. You know I have my fair share of craziness. I've always wanted a perfect love life that I'm doing everything to make things work for the both of us. But you falling out of love is a big slap on my face.

It takes a lot of courage to do what I'm doing right now. I can just imagine you not caring at all. I actually think that you won't even read everything that's written here. I know that you have the worst mood swings. I remember the times when we'd end up laughing after you rant about the thigns that are happening in your lifel. I am praying that you're in a good mood when you read this so you can go through each word and understand them.

Now I'm afraid, afraid of spending my Birthday, Christmas and New Year without you. I honestly think that you've already forgotten about me at this point. I've heard news that you're been happy with other people now. But what the heck, I'm doing this now. It's time to not care anymore if you'll care. I'm doing this for myself.

I love you so much Topher, but I understand that you have to be on your own now. I have to let you go, but I realized that that doesn't mean that we're going to be enemies. I am sorry for the times that I did not support you with your dreams, for the times that I was not there for you, for allowing you to fall out of love. I hope you find your way. I hope you find what truly makes you happy, and when that time comes, I hope you remember that I did my best to be there for you.

Time can only tell what will happen to us. Believe it or not, majority of my friends still want us to be together, I just hope that when that time comes, we already learned from our lessons so we can give each other the love that we deserve.

Epilogue

I thought I was ready to accept things last week. I thought I was already letting go, but after several conversations with him, I back to square 1. Now it's really over. I finally figured that he doesn't love me anymore but doesn't have the guts to say it. I told him the same line and his reply was "Sorry!". Seeing his posts in FB makes me believe that there's another guy. Maybe it's the same guy. But whatever the reason is, the point is that we're over. He ended it.

I would still like to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe I deserve to learn this the hard way. I have been probably forgetting myself already, or have been loving too much.

For the past hours, I have been carrying this pain in my chest. Something that I think would last for a very long time. God knows how much I love him. But I can't hold on to something that I do not have. All that's left now are memories of what used to be. And the worse part is, I've come to realize how much space he occupied in my heart. Every place I go to reminds me of him. A while ago I was in Cybermall looking for something to eat when I saw Mang Inasal. I remember the day when he had a training in Eastwood and we ate lunch together. I was happy then, though now that I thought of it, maybe he was already in love with someone else at that time.

I find it interesting to know that the simple things you do with someone you love makes a deep cut in your memories. They sculpt you to what you are now. These are insignificant things that you do with your partner, but when you're already on your own, you realize that they have made a deep cut to your heart. Strong memories that bring back intensified emotions. And when you wake up, you'll see nothing but know that it is there because you still feel the pain.

Life must go on. The trick is keep breathing. That's what I'm gonna do. When I'm ready, I'll post my last entry to this blog. A letter to him.

i'm letting you go

After writing my previous blog, I got a call from him. He was crying and was depressed. He said after our breakup he cannot concentrate and lost interest in things. He said he doesn't have any inspiration anymore. I wanted to ask him if I was his inspiration but just kept it to myself. I was afraid of hearing that I was not. I tried to calm him down by saying that all I wanted was for him to be happy, that I'm willing to wait as long as he wanted me to. I knew this was a wrong move, but that's what I felt. I'm a masochist. I wanted to be there for him.

After a couple of days, I didn't hear from him. He only passed by my place this morning to get the money I owe him. I wanted to talk to him but he brushed me off. He said a cab was waiting downstairs. I let him leave. I called him after a couple of minutes asking him if he still had plans of talking about us. He said I don't know. I was speechless. He's still unsure if he wanted me back. Maybe he really didn't want me back, but I wanted him to tell me so I could move on.

We tried talking but couldn't understand each other clearly due to signal problems. Then after a couple of seconds, I got a message from him saying that he's going to sleep. That we'll talk later. That was my last straw. If I meant much to him, he would've tried to call me or at least exert effort to talk to me, but he didn't. It was the same selfish person.

I had to stop doing this to myself. I am afraid of hurting him but I guess telling him that I can't wait for him wouldn't. He treats me as if he really didn't care. After reading his message, I sent him a message asking him to delete my number. I told him I can't see or hear from him. I cannot be like his other ex-partners. I have to heal. I have given him my heart and now I have to get it back. I know that what I did could be the end of everything. But I had to make him realize my worth and I owe it to myself.

2 Weeks

"I miss you..."

Out of all the things I wanted to tell him, this was all I could say. After an hours of thinking if I should send him an SMS, I sent him the message. Part of me isn't expecting a reply, the other part of me wanted him to call me. 12 hours later, there was still no reply.

Last night was another challenge, my room mate also broke up with his partner. They were together for 4 years as well. They were only ahead of us for a couple of months. Now it's over.

I couldn't help but think why we were not that strong to keep the relationship intact. I've always thought that we were meant for each other. We love each other, we still do. Why do we have to put up with our pride and fight the feeling of building our relationship again? What is wrong with us?

I thought everything is starting to become easier, but last night, I felt like I was in Day 1. I thought of all the pain that he caused me so I could get mad at him and forget, but it didn't work. I wanted to call him so bad... fuck my pride. I'm gonna do whatever I wanted to do, but my mind wanted me to stop.

I honestly hope that he's happy right now. That's the only thing that would make me stay away from him and not beg him to come back. The idea that he's in a better place now. Someone could be taking care of him the way that I couldn't. God knows how much I love him, but if that means I have to let go so he could be happy, I'd probably do that.

However, I am selfish too. I wanted him to realize what we had. I wanted him to know how much sacrifice I've done for us. Things that I thought would make us love each other more, unfortunately, we both made mistakes. I think this is a sign for us to stop and breathe. If we won't be together anymore, I hope I'd still get the chance to tell him everything.

I have to move on. I have to let him go. I cannot love him without loving myself. It's painful but it's the right thing to do.

After 1 Week

There a lot of things that came out after a week. He and his Best friend ended their friendship, I found out that he is dating or is already with another guy. He went out of town this weekend, and I found out that he was with the same guy he was with when I caught him. They went to La Union and then Baguio.

I don't know why a part of me is still hoping that he'd wake up and come back to me. After everything he did to me, I still want him, I still love him. I feel so stupid.

Day 1 - The Day It Ended

We were together for 4 years. I can say that was not perfect, but I am happy. I could say that it was something that sustains me. Though I had complaints, majority of the time, I was happy.

It was a lie that up to this very moment I do not understand. I do not know why he had to tell me that lie. In short, a single lie tore us apart. I told him I was tired of things, that we're over. At that point, at that very moment, over the phone, I felt that it was the right thing to do. My intentions were based on anger and frustration.

Now we're over. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want to. Maybe it's his way of coping, and I didn't complain anymore.

God know how much I love him. I sometimes hate myself for saying those words or for allowing these things to happen, but a part of me is saying we've had too much unspoken pain. We're indirectly hurting each other and last night was the breaking point.

I am in too much pain now. How could leaving someone be this hard? How come every step he takes away from me be this painful. It's like he's trying to pull an arrow from my heart.

A part of me wants to work things out. My heart is bruised and tired, but still wants him. The other part wants to let go. That I've had enough. I wish there's a potion for me to forget all the good and happy memories we've had together, I wish there's way to ease the pain, because every time I think of the times we've spent together, my heart stops beating.